How I "Father's Day" without a Dad...?

Father's Day is supposed to be a day of celebration, but many households today lack any form of fatherhood. So how does one navigate a day like this?

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originally posted - June 19, 2022

Have no fear, Daddy’s here!

To save the day from our current troubles….

With courage, strength, and noble truths for all to aspire to cherish and believe in.

But what does this kind of day look like when you live life without any father figure at all in your life?

Do you move on and disregard the day even exists in the first place as you watch targeted ads on TV, in the newspaper, in magazines, on social media, and elsewhere online all focusing on “buying dad a fancy new watch, comfortable new clothes, or even a brand new car.” Do you shove down your emotions and drink yourself asleep tonight? Do you go to the gym, go for a run, or pick a fight with a stranger at the bar? Most men aren’t given many other options in handling their emotions than the choices I’ve just listed. What does the word “father” mean to you?

Personally, the word father means much much more (and also less) than anything a marketing agency could ever hope to express through an ad in print or on a screen.

Did you know that nearly a quarter of US kids live in a single-parent household and that nearly 80% of those single parent households are women-led? That’s right. For the vast majority of these broken homed kiddos, “fatherhood” doesn’t exist at all. They look to Bill Cosby, Bob Saget, Peter Griffin from Family Guy or Homer from the Simpsons. They look to neighbors and celebrities, comic book heroes and movie stars, they look out anywhere they can to find any form or function of an adult masculine role for their early life development.

Personally, I looked to the first two more (Bill Cosby - the Cosby Show, Bob Saget - Full House) and ignored the latter because I didn’t see them as noble characters, despite the common stereotypes they serve to poke fun at. I grew up with sitcoms and late night TV shows. I saw David Letterman, Conan O Brien, Jerry Seinfeld, Kramer, and Ross, Joey, and Chandler from Friends on a daily basis.

I had zero friends. Zero involvement in anything outside of the home. I learned to mow the lawn at 10 years old. That was new and honestly the most exciting time I had at the time. My early life was less than ideal and incredibly uncommon in many ways, but the fact that I grew up without a dad in my life is becoming less and less a rarity.

Did you by chance know that the US boasts the highest rate of single-parent households too? Yep! No other even comes close! From broken homes to fatherless families, to highest healthcare costs, military spending and poorest disease outcomes, the US kinda stinks in many ways despite its lofty status and trojan stature.

In 2020, there were about 15.31 million children living with a single mother in the United States, and about 3.27 million children living with a single father.

I’m not here to complain about the US today, but I am here to open up some deeper ideas around this artifact of Father’s Day. In this country and around the world, we have a very different and diabolical views about what the heck fatherhood even entails! Some say it’s just the donation of sperm and then a man has the privilege to move on their merry way… others say it is about control, violence, abuse, muscles, muscle cars, and making mayhem in the garage.

Photo by todd kent on Unsplash

Still, I’ve heard others talk about fatherhood from a lens of silence, distorted emotional capabilities, generational traumas and a hollow human that sat at the end of the dinner table when he returned home from work, often angry, bitter, and hard pressed for engagement.

Some suggest fathers are the rock of a family, holding the family together as a firm foundation. Others use the rock description to talk about a man cold to the touch, heavy, and rigid all over his bones. I wonder what kind of definition you hold for what this word Father means to you?

Why do fathers even exist, do you know? Most people don’t. Most daddies don’t either. I would say that the vast majority of families in America struggle to grasp the fullest flourishing context of fatherhood. And in our current era where less and less people in America are choosing to declare any religious affiliation and less are going to church. And outside of some sort of construct for moral authority, or any line or morality… it becomes even more complicated to comprehend what is “good father” in our day and age. Is a father someone who beats their child, screams and yells? I certainly don’t think so, but what informs those beliefs I hold onto is of the upmost important. Because without any sense of a moral framework, we will see further decline of ideal definitions, as other opinions usurp any image we can look up to as the best option we have to strive towards.

Some Stats to think about:

• the United States has world’s highest rate of children living in single-parent households

• Almost a quarter of U.S. children under the age of 18 live with one parent and no other adults (23%), more than three times the share of children around the world who do so (7%).

  In comparison, 3% of children in China, 4% of children in Nigeria and 5% of children in India live in single-parent households. In neighboring Canada, the share is 15%.

I’m not here to preach from stage or to throw my faith onto others. I’m not here from a primary place talking about a good christian “father” God either, but this framework has helped heal my wounds and called me towards a much greater understanding than I ever thought possible for my life. I reckon the same could be true for others too, just like me, those who grew up without a dad or any real idea what “father” even meant.

I’m not here complaining. I’m just here concerned about our youth, our daddies who grew up without fathers and our current kiddos today who have no idea what to believe when it comes to the word “fatherhood” in general.

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